so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
