Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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