I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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