Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
