I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
