i was born a porn star she said
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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