Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
