I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
