she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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