got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
