He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
