Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
