i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
