What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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