And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
