It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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