masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
