I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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