my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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