I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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