Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
