I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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