where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
