So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
