dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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