I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
