I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
