Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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