this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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