Swine flu is the new snow day.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
