Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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