I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
