i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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