Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize