You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
