hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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