Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
