I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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