The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
