if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
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