Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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