yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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