does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
