ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
