Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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