Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
