The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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