im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize