I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
