My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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