I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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