I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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