If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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