my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
