And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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