Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
