Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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