my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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