I just saw a hot homeless man
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
