stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
