i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
