I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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