Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
