shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
